I AM USING SHITTY GRAMMAR SPELLING AND EVERYTHING JUST TO SORT OUT MY THOUGHTS LOL

lately ive been feeling off key. I started crying for no reason. I did so many things this weekend such as dropping off my bro to LAX which was a life changing experience JK. not really. I ate green tea crepes which i loved in beverly hills with kayla. I watched spiderman 2 with zheeanna and samya and I went to the beach and had breakfast with Cathleen then I went to the claremont graduate school of art open studio. This was all over the course of friday, saturday, and sunday. Regardless of everything I did, I still felt alone. I dont really know why. Im hoping its because I miss Amanda. Or I just want someone to care about me the way I care about everyone. My mom got really upset with me today when Armana came over for me to help her make posters for her campaign. Ive been doing alot for Armana recently like doing her whole extra credit video project, and now doing her campaign posters and I'm not even in highschool. It honestly doesnt bother me because when people come up to me asking me for help all I want to do is help them. My mom was upset because she told me that she sees me do everything for everyone and no one ever doing anything for me. She was mad that Armana didnt invite me over to talk to her sister about parsons. I really dont want to talk to her sister about it because I dont want her sister to think that I am only friends with Armana because her sister went to the school that I dream of going to. And David T. has been pissing me off lately. I feel so fucking weak, naive and dumb for opening myself up so quickly and easily to him. Hes so shady with me. Like ugh... its so weird. This fucker wants his ring back and freaks out about it when I accidentally took it but when I try to give it back to him hes all shady and shit and doesnt want me to go to his place and this fucker knows where I live. like I knew i couldnt trust him when he was waiting for me to tell him "not everyone needs to know everything" that day when we were walking in claremont. I am not even supposed to be friends with him because my mom doesnt want me to be. And for her its because he is gay. HIM BEING GAY DOESNT FUCKING BOTHER ME AT ALL and I do not believe it is right to not be friends with someone based on their sexuality, But family is first so if my mom doesnt want me doing something and she specifically tells me no. then I will respect that. He was hella cool at first and he still kinda is, but hes SERIOUSLY SPORADIC and crazy but in a funny way ish idk. But just last thursday he tried to pull down my pants and I freaked the fuck out. first I thought it was a joke and he just nugded on my pants but then he started pulling them lower and I started to yell at him saying WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING. he quickly regressed knowing that It freaked me out and I was about to cry. Its so weird... Like I harass him in the same way too but its a mutual friend thing but I guess what was a friendly pantsing or what ever you call it really got to me. I guess its ever since I LEARNED ABOUT WHAT COULD CONSTITUTE SEXUAL Harrasment in my psych class that this has thrown me off. But yet again david has overall been really nice but I opened up to him too fast. He is a chance for me to learn to not open myself as fast. BUT HE DID HELP ME get away from that other disgusting guy in my arabic class named DAVID N. too. SO idk the pantsing thing threw me off balance. He apologized for it but oh god it still scared me. I never felt so helpless before. In general I just feel out of control. Ive been eating shittly my skin sucks. My weight is normal tho but im still fat and need to lose a fuck ton of weight. Ive been wishing that I was either and asian girl or a white girl. not a moroccan pakistani mix. I hate my dark skin. More like i hate HOW I TAN BROWN. school is annoying and stressful. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. i want to go to parsons but this whole business major thingy is like holding me back because ITS REALLLY GOOD TO GET ONE. and fuck I have to do some long ass annoying arabic homework right now and I never pay attention in that class and I STILL GET AN A. like wtf. AND I FEEL LIKE SHIT KNOWING THAT AMANDA IS GOING TO THERAPY AND IM NOT THERE. I FEEL LIKE SHIT KNOWING THAT SHE ISNT HAPPY. I FEEL LIKE ITS MY FAULT. I FEEL LIKE A FUCKER I FEEL LIKE I DIDNT DO ENOUGH I FEEL LIKE I NEVER DID ENOUGH I FEEL LIKE IM NEVER ENOUGH I FEEL SO SAD MY TEARS ARE RUNNING DOWN MY FACE. WHATS WRONG WITH ME. IS IT BECAUSE I AM UNGRATEFUL. IS IT BECAUSE I WISH SOMEONE COULD SMACK ME IN THE FACE TO GET MY LIFE BACK ON PATH. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I NEED HELP I NEED HELP I NEED HELP.