TWIGGITY TWIGS

this summer has been one for the books again... I only have like a week left.. but now that mama is back from morocco things are about to get hella depressing. I had three weeks of ULTIMATE FUCKING FUN. like you have no clue how amazing it feels to do whatever the fuck you want and not have anyone tell you what to do. I kept the house pretty clean and did every thing i needed too and I saved $432 dollars in that three weeks from work and from henna tattoos. I have an indifferent feeling towards henna because it makes me hella bank like SO MUCH MONEY LOL even tho i barely charge alot because i do not think its fair to over charge for henna but yeah so much money. i recently saw fka twigs perform live and it was a magical experience. I want to cry because she is so beautiful.. i want to be just like her but a fashion designer with my own dark black twist. I feel like im just waiting to be skinny to live my life.. i need to be healty and start working out and become the person I want to be. Im going to be turning 19 soon and Ive been so patient on wanting to go to parsons in new york city. So far Ive been looking at the costs for wanting to go to NYC next summer and its looking like I need to save 2,000$ for myself, but if i book the tickets and hotel in advance I have a feeling it will be cheaper and not as expensive. ugh can I just be in parsons already and become a gadddamn fucking fashion designer. I really want things to speed up. I have yet alot to learn here at Mt sac that will indeed prepare me for parsons UGH I JUst wish i CAN GET into that school. I legit want to go when I am 21 though because i feel like that is super adult.. not because I CAN DRINK, because that is legit against my religion and i find no appeal in it. but YEAH i feel like im getting much older and im actually okay with it. AND I LOVE FKA TWIGS LIKE SO MUCH and i hate how the basic bitches from school know her like fuck yall but at the same time im like BUY HER SHIT CUZ SHE NEEDS THE MONEY.. shes so talented sigh... i wish i could make music but I dont have the appeal to it. I mean i CAN SING and all but nahhhhhhh thats jallal's route.

Spring semester finally ended. And Ramadan is literally in ten days. I seriously dont even know how I am going to make it this summer... and on top of it I have summer school. I just pray to Allah that I make it through my calc class with at LEAST A C. I got the high rated professor. So I probably need to re step up my game in Math. Its just all the trig stuff that I dont remember. Like fuck you Hosea for being such a bitch about math and wanting to make Calc hard because we are your "higher level students". Like you are awesome as a person and so chill to talk to but you are so fucking hard when it comes to math that I cant entirely hate you :/. But yeah. So yesterday I deleted like 137 of my instagram posts so now im down to 33. Like looking at my tumblr and shit that I am interested in I felt that my instagram didnt really reflect the true me and my true interests. Like my pictures looked to fucking BASIC BITCH SHIT. like i barely even post anymore but I want a certain look to my instagram that reflects my interests. like I know alot of muslim people follow me which is kinda annoying because I feel as if I always have to think 1000000x about something when i post it. Like I blocked my brother from instagram but he never notices shit LOL. But yeah I want to start all over. I want to get in shape again. I dont hate my body but I want to improve it to match my personality. Like I am a very estatic person, dont get me wrong about that. But there is a deeper side to me that I want to indulge in. I want to change myself. I dont necessairly want to be some wanna be dark grunge bitch but since I am very into alot of the dark images and clothing designers like ANN demulemeester, rick owens, and Raf and fucking all of them awesome ass people (damir doma, herve leger, ETC) I might as well portray that within myself. Like i like gorey things, not like sickly, but common my favorite show is hannibal and you could never guess that. I want to be androgynous. Ive always wanted to be androgynous. And I feel as if I dont become myself right now then I will never be able to be myself. I always have this thought in my head that when I go to new york I will finally be myself, or when I become thinner I will finally be myself. BUT I NEED TO BE MYSELF RIGHT NOW IN THIS MOMENT. wear the clothes i want to wear. Drop the weight I need to drop to fit into my clothes. Like its all in my fucking hands. ALL IN MY HANDS. I NEED TO TAKE HOLD OF IT. on another note. I really feel as if I am drifting away from amanda. AND IM SURPRISINGLY OKAY WITH it. Like, i feel as if i have changed. Like Ive explained to many people about what I feel anout her. She was perfect for those three years of my life. but ever since i have been with asra and tiffany and samya, and zheeanna and armana and EVEN DAVID and TAMMM lol i cant forget tam. i feel as if I become a truly more happier person. Like, damn. I am more outgoing and wanting to laugh, get down to some ratchet music, while still holding my rock, alternative and indie shit down, and in total having a good time and not being so prissy and up tight like amanda. Like I know that she feels the same way too... like she hasnt even asked to hang out. and ALL i do is like talk and text all those poeple and enjoy it even more now. Like damn they all make me so happy. And amandas sadness is too much for me. I cant handle it, it just makes me a sad and negative person. She is slowly losing me. but from her I learned so many things, how to be a great friend. And i really feel that I am now. And I hope that I AM.

I AM USING SHITTY GRAMMAR SPELLING AND EVERYTHING JUST TO SORT OUT MY THOUGHTS LOL

lately ive been feeling off key. I started crying for no reason. I did so many things this weekend such as dropping off my bro to LAX which was a life changing experience JK. not really. I ate green tea crepes which i loved in beverly hills with kayla. I watched spiderman 2 with zheeanna and samya and I went to the beach and had breakfast with Cathleen then I went to the claremont graduate school of art open studio. This was all over the course of friday, saturday, and sunday. Regardless of everything I did, I still felt alone. I dont really know why. Im hoping its because I miss Amanda. Or I just want someone to care about me the way I care about everyone. My mom got really upset with me today when Armana came over for me to help her make posters for her campaign. Ive been doing alot for Armana recently like doing her whole extra credit video project, and now doing her campaign posters and I'm not even in highschool. It honestly doesnt bother me because when people come up to me asking me for help all I want to do is help them. My mom was upset because she told me that she sees me do everything for everyone and no one ever doing anything for me. She was mad that Armana didnt invite me over to talk to her sister about parsons. I really dont want to talk to her sister about it because I dont want her sister to think that I am only friends with Armana because her sister went to the school that I dream of going to. And David T. has been pissing me off lately. I feel so fucking weak, naive and dumb for opening myself up so quickly and easily to him. Hes so shady with me. Like ugh... its so weird. This fucker wants his ring back and freaks out about it when I accidentally took it but when I try to give it back to him hes all shady and shit and doesnt want me to go to his place and this fucker knows where I live. like I knew i couldnt trust him when he was waiting for me to tell him "not everyone needs to know everything" that day when we were walking in claremont. I am not even supposed to be friends with him because my mom doesnt want me to be. And for her its because he is gay. HIM BEING GAY DOESNT FUCKING BOTHER ME AT ALL and I do not believe it is right to not be friends with someone based on their sexuality, But family is first so if my mom doesnt want me doing something and she specifically tells me no. then I will respect that. He was hella cool at first and he still kinda is, but hes SERIOUSLY SPORADIC and crazy but in a funny way ish idk. But just last thursday he tried to pull down my pants and I freaked the fuck out. first I thought it was a joke and he just nugded on my pants but then he started pulling them lower and I started to yell at him saying WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING. he quickly regressed knowing that It freaked me out and I was about to cry. Its so weird... Like I harass him in the same way too but its a mutual friend thing but I guess what was a friendly pantsing or what ever you call it really got to me. I guess its ever since I LEARNED ABOUT WHAT COULD CONSTITUTE SEXUAL Harrasment in my psych class that this has thrown me off. But yet again david has overall been really nice but I opened up to him too fast. He is a chance for me to learn to not open myself as fast. BUT HE DID HELP ME get away from that other disgusting guy in my arabic class named DAVID N. too. SO idk the pantsing thing threw me off balance. He apologized for it but oh god it still scared me. I never felt so helpless before. In general I just feel out of control. Ive been eating shittly my skin sucks. My weight is normal tho but im still fat and need to lose a fuck ton of weight. Ive been wishing that I was either and asian girl or a white girl. not a moroccan pakistani mix. I hate my dark skin. More like i hate HOW I TAN BROWN. school is annoying and stressful. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. i want to go to parsons but this whole business major thingy is like holding me back because ITS REALLLY GOOD TO GET ONE. and fuck I have to do some long ass annoying arabic homework right now and I never pay attention in that class and I STILL GET AN A. like wtf. AND I FEEL LIKE SHIT KNOWING THAT AMANDA IS GOING TO THERAPY AND IM NOT THERE. I FEEL LIKE SHIT KNOWING THAT SHE ISNT HAPPY. I FEEL LIKE ITS MY FAULT. I FEEL LIKE A FUCKER I FEEL LIKE I DIDNT DO ENOUGH I FEEL LIKE I NEVER DID ENOUGH I FEEL LIKE IM NEVER ENOUGH I FEEL SO SAD MY TEARS ARE RUNNING DOWN MY FACE. WHATS WRONG WITH ME. IS IT BECAUSE I AM UNGRATEFUL. IS IT BECAUSE I WISH SOMEONE COULD SMACK ME IN THE FACE TO GET MY LIFE BACK ON PATH. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I NEED HELP I NEED HELP I NEED HELP.

idk. like until this day I wish i was rumi neely. Like I know I shouldnt be moping around wishing my life was like someone elses and I should get up and make my life happen.. But fuck.. I dont know where all this negative energy and thoughts are coming from. Here I am 138 fucking pounds at 5'3" and I should be 110 pounds and im just moping around. yeah sure I was 143 but i dont know i dont have the same energy and shit like i did when i was going into junior year. Rumi was my biggest inspiration. I just wanted to be her and unil today I still do. I went down to lie 122 pounds. I had horrible eating habits, but i was still eating healthy food. I dont want to turn into a Abeer nasir. Like I want to start dieting again