Spring semester finally ended. And Ramadan is literally in ten days. I seriously dont even know how I am going to make it this summer... and on top of it I have summer school. I just pray to Allah that I make it through my calc class with at LEAST A C. I got the high rated professor. So I probably need to re step up my game in Math. Its just all the trig stuff that I dont remember. Like fuck you Hosea for being such a bitch about math and wanting to make Calc hard because we are your "higher level students". Like you are awesome as a person and so chill to talk to but you are so fucking hard when it comes to math that I cant entirely hate you :/. But yeah. So yesterday I deleted like 137 of my instagram posts so now im down to 33. Like looking at my tumblr and shit that I am interested in I felt that my instagram didnt really reflect the true me and my true interests. Like my pictures looked to fucking BASIC BITCH SHIT. like i barely even post anymore but I want a certain look to my instagram that reflects my interests. like I know alot of muslim people follow me which is kinda annoying because I feel as if I always have to think 1000000x about something when i post it. Like I blocked my brother from instagram but he never notices shit LOL. But yeah I want to start all over. I want to get in shape again. I dont hate my body but I want to improve it to match my personality. Like I am a very estatic person, dont get me wrong about that. But there is a deeper side to me that I want to indulge in. I want to change myself. I dont necessairly want to be some wanna be dark grunge bitch but since I am very into alot of the dark images and clothing designers like ANN demulemeester, rick owens, and Raf and fucking all of them awesome ass people (damir doma, herve leger, ETC) I might as well portray that within myself. Like i like gorey things, not like sickly, but common my favorite show is hannibal and you could never guess that. I want to be androgynous. Ive always wanted to be androgynous. And I feel as if I dont become myself right now then I will never be able to be myself. I always have this thought in my head that when I go to new york I will finally be myself, or when I become thinner I will finally be myself. BUT I NEED TO BE MYSELF RIGHT NOW IN THIS MOMENT. wear the clothes i want to wear. Drop the weight I need to drop to fit into my clothes. Like its all in my fucking hands. ALL IN MY HANDS. I NEED TO TAKE HOLD OF IT. on another note. I really feel as if I am drifting away from amanda. AND IM SURPRISINGLY OKAY WITH it. Like, i feel as if i have changed. Like Ive explained to many people about what I feel anout her. She was perfect for those three years of my life. but ever since i have been with asra and tiffany and samya, and zheeanna and armana and EVEN DAVID and TAMMM lol i cant forget tam. i feel as if I become a truly more happier person. Like, damn. I am more outgoing and wanting to laugh, get down to some ratchet music, while still holding my rock, alternative and indie shit down, and in total having a good time and not being so prissy and up tight like amanda. Like I know that she feels the same way too... like she hasnt even asked to hang out. and ALL i do is like talk and text all those poeple and enjoy it even more now. Like damn they all make me so happy. And amandas sadness is too much for me. I cant handle it, it just makes me a sad and negative person. She is slowly losing me. but from her I learned so many things, how to be a great friend. And i really feel that I am now. And I hope that I AM.